you asked me what is wrong now
you said I was good a few days ago
I told you I played with you, teased you because it is my habit, I can’t help it.
I did not say much to you other than that. But I badly want to say, you have hurt me a lot
you complain about our son misbehaving with you, and not listening to you, your commands, yet your forget yourself.
I realized I forget that too. I too am disobedient to Allah.
I can’t tell you your are disobedient because, instead of listening to me you has and you will immediately turn wild and start shouting without even thinking about it. Every time, your ego is hurt, you start revolting, start defending yourself. I can’t accept the fact, that all the issues you are complaining in others are yourself too.
I can’t tell you, you disrespect me most of the time and yet you still say, you speak with love, while others have affirmed me that you do talk rudely.
Is this my value and worth to you?
You want everything from me(love, money, attention, appreciation, care, help in chores, treats) and yet you can’t give little of what I deserve.
I had stopped asking you for favours. I stopped asking you to do work for me, make tea for me, or cook for me. or do any other tasks for me. Even in pain I often never told you or asked you to help me, unless I couldn’t bear the pain.
You complained that your sorrows are yours only, and I don’t share them , don’t sooth you in them. Well I learnt this from you and wanted to show a mirror, so that you may feel it. But instead you grew more. You became more cold to my pains.
Deep down you know you are rude. You had said it yourself that no one would accept you if it hadn’t been me.
You know you speak non-sense when you are mad, you had admitted this too once.
I am very confused what should I do. I think of running away. Vanishing somewhere. Keep sending you money but never talk to you. But then I think of your rights. Rights of our children. You have put me in a very tough spot.
You have destroyed all my dreams to do something big. Something larger than life. Something for people, for community for our people
Like many others your cared only about yourself and your mother and then somewhat about your family. I guess I come at much latter numbers in your books.
July 25, 2026
Today I went for hair cutting at a close by shop. I asked the guy to do an equal trimming from all around according to sunnah and reduce the length to one inch almost. He trimmed using a machine. He asked me to check the length on a small patch close to ear; I checked the length was more than usual so I thought it should be good enough, so I gave him a greenlight. He started trimming all around. When he was done, and I checked my hairs was much shorter than I expected. May be 1-2 centimeters. I thought “well okay. I am not looking good enough but at least I won’t have to come to barber for quite some time.”
When I arrived home and wife saw me, she instantly got a disgusting face. She did not like what I got done. She asked me in a hideous way: what is this, why did you get it like this. I gave some mischievous answer, but she did not like that either, uttered in a disguting way, “you should have got your mustache and beard trimmed too” (means clean shave).
At that time, I let it go and did not feel it, but later I felt hurt. Why do I have to go through this for such normal and regular things.
Kids liked this new look, so did her brother.
She talked to Haq Nawaz’s wife for the first time today. She said we talked for about an hour.
I did not have a good sleep last night, about 4 hours only. Now at nighttime, my neck is stiff and hurting and I am lightheaded.
July 21, 2026
آج کافی دنوں بعد خوب بارش ہوئی۔ میں اور میری بیٹی صبریں ہم دونوں خوب نہاے بارش میں۔ اوپر سے بجلی چلی گئی اور رات میں کافی دیر سے آئی اس لیا آفس کا کام دن میں نہیں کر سکا
شام میں ہمارے پرانے پڑوسی حمزہ اورملائکہ کےگھر والے گھر آئے میری ساس،خالہ رضیہ کا پتہ لینے جو کافی دنوں سے ہماری طرف تھی بیمار ہونے کی وجہ سے۔
July 20, 2026
کل ندا کے بھائی ندیم کا جو حادثہ ہوا۔ پتہ چلا کہ کسی نے بلا کر کچھ کھلا دیا تھا جس کی وجہ سے اس کی حالت خراب ہوئی۔ شائد ان کی کوئی دشمنی چل رہی تھی۔ اللہ جانے کیا سچ ہے
مجھے رہ رہ کر اس بیچارے کا خیال آ رہا ہے ہم سے زیادہ جوان تھا وہ۔ خوبصورت بھی
July 20, 2026
ہمارا ایک رشتہ دار، ، ندا کا بھائی، رحمت کا سالا آج وفات پا گیا۔ اگرچہ میرا اس سے اتنا ملنا جلنا نہیں تھا لیکن پھر بھی میرے لیے اس کی موت ایک صدمہ تھی۔ پتہ چلا کے اس نے زیادہ نشہ کر لیا تھا جس کی وجہ سے موت ہوئی۔ ایمبولنس والوں نے کو ٹیکہ وغیرہ لگا دیا تھا اور کہا تھا کہ اب بس انتظار کریں جیسے نشہ اترے گا ہوش آ جائے گی لیکن کوئی مجھے صبح پانچ بجے کہ قریب پتہ فون آیا کے اس کی گھنٹہ پہلے موت ہو گئی ہے۔ میں دل ہی دل میں کہہ رہا تھا
ندیم یہ تم نے کیا کیا
July 19, 2026
We all were sleeping in one room so we could run AC in one cold room. I gently asked her to move aside so I can sleep too. she shouted, “please don’t do this, you always do this, shake me hard while I am sleeping and I get scared, or alert.” I said that I didn’t do such thing. Her also said “he didn’t do such thing” and she kept saying, “he did, he did”.
July 19, 2026
زندگی کی شام ہوئی چاہتی ہے
July 19, 2026